Life & Music

I posted something on my facebook page earlier today.. Been going through some personal stuff that has me really stressed emotionally and mentally. And I think I may be too much of a pussy to just deal with it head on.
But then, I justify my avoidance of what I know I must do by reminding myself that I have to constantly be in the same space with the person I have to confront or, rather just say what's really on my mind. And then, again, only I know how this person really is or can be........and I'll hear that it's only because of me why she gets like that... I will accept a small percentage of that responsibility..

Anyhow, regarding my post.... Its funny how I got a lot of "likes" for it because if people googled the post I'm sure my phone would be ringing nonstop.

After a conversation last night I made a decision to do something that has crossed my mind several times in the past and one that has been in my mind since last July that I think about every single day. All morning I've been planning and somewhat researching and I think I have it sorted out almost 70%. However, I'm here in the studio now listening to some of my unfinished work and ...wow.... The effect that music can have on you. Hearing the songs just brought a certain peace of mind and a level of comfort and contentment.. reflecting on the moments of creativity and the ability I'm blessed with to execute and bring forth/translate what's in my head into physical sound. It's just magical sometimes.
So now I'm faced with another decision - what the fuck do I do?

Putting it plainly, do I take my own life, confront my fear, run away, or stay and continue this cycle? The funny thing is I KNOW what's the right thing to do. I also know that it's not going to be an easy process. Can I live with myself knowing or feeling like I've hurt someone in a way that only I could? Or would it be best if I'm just not around for the peace of mind of that one person... Could she ever stand seeing me after? would she ever forgive me? would she ever be happy and content with her own life knowing I'm still living, enjoying life and possibly moved on to other relationships?

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this now. I guess I'm in a position where I don't want to talk to anyone but I just need to get this out of me....and I'm still not even saying everything.
I only have 6 "followers" here so the chances of anyone reading this is also minute but at least I would have let it out of me.

So, I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do. Life's a mystery isn't it? You just never know.....

I wrote a song some years ago..maybe 2006... a line goes:

"18 years old and in love, it feels like heaven, yeah...
but one day we both grew up, and it don't feel like heaven anymore"

I often sing parts of the song in my head, I like it... planned to record it for an EP I'm thinking of releasing next year.. Lets see if that happens.

It just amazes me how some people have the strength to deal with life's challenges and some don't, no matter how simple they may seem. Anyhow, thanks for reading I will leave you with the post from my FB page.. Love, Peace & Happiness.

"The degree to which physical pain and psychological distress can be tolerated is different in all humans. Quality of life judgments are private and personal, thus only the sufferer can make relevant decisions. " - Derek Humphry

To Be Or Not To Be?

I don't know why things affect me the way they do. I don't know why it's difficult for me to have a conversation in person. Maybe it's how I was raised - I shut down when faced with confrontation, whether it be real or imaginary. 

I don't know why I'm writing in this blog tonight, but the question is: To Be, Or Not To Be?

I've been fighting with this "demon" a few years now and he's been showing his ugly face quite frequently since last July. Maybe I'm not "man enough" to deal with the challenges or obstacles that life set before us, maybe I'm too lazy or weak to take the constant 'blows' which in reality aren't even a lot to deal with when looking at it from a distance. But being in it, with my own personality I often get overwhelmed.
I'm pretty sure that if I was born and raised in the US I'd probably be on meds all my life. I feel like I have an issue with anxiety .... hmmm, I do.  And I'm always in my own head....... like, now I can relate to people who try to stay intoxicated and escape reality. Problem is, I only get drunk. And I only like being drunk when I plan to have a great time.  So what's my solution? To be or not to be?

What be it then?

God? He's probably tired of me by now. Always running, praying when I'm lost & confused. Still waiting on some help here Father! 

They say no man is an island. I beg to differ. What if one chooses to be an island, and is willing to accept whatever comes along with being that island? No one knows what lies ahead til they go along the path they choose. And what when you find the path you have chosen isn't what you thought it would be, what when you realize the path you're on is not where you want to be? You take another path right? Then what if you have brought others along the path, then what? Do you leave them in the wilderness while you seek your new path? Point them in a new direction? To Be Or Not To Be?

Be all that you can be, that's why we're here right?  But what is "all" that you can be really? What if your purpose in life is only one moment, in one day to be at a specific place at a specific time? That one moment is all that your existence was about. It may have been to save someone in a car accident, maybe say one kind word to someone who needed it, maybe to be the father/mother of a child who will become someone great. But who knows? No one knows in what moment their purpose lies, be it a split second or a day spent with a loved one or even a stranger. We don't know. But we are all expected to be here waiting on that moment, hoping it will all make sense at some point. Praying that it does make sense. Who knows if it does or ever will.

Life is the biggest mystery of them all. We didn't know when we were coming into this world, we don't know when we'll leave. We hope that between or coming and going we enjoy whatever there is to enjoy always looking for something better, hoping for something better. Trying to achieve our goals, see or dreams come true ......... the list goes on and on. But then I sometimes think, why bother? Will I ever have a platinum selling album? Will I ever tour the world with my own band? Will I ever be truly happy? Will I ever be able to look in the mirror  and be pleased and proud of the person staring me in the eyes? I don't know.. I can say "one day I will" but, will I?

It's easy "not to be" anything. I could sit here and do nothing all day. They say quitting is the easiest thing to do, but quitting life ain't easy. It takes guts to do something like that. And if you have loved ones it makes it even more challenging. So, it's not easy quitting as it isn't easy staying in the game. So what do you do? What do you do? To be or not to be?.... who has the answer? A councilor, A priest, A psychiatrist, A mentor, my father, our Father?

Ask questions and you'll get answers. Ask the Right Questions and you'll get the Right Answers.