I posted something on my facebook page earlier today.. Been going through some personal stuff that has me really stressed emotionally and mentally. And I think I may be too much of a pussy to just deal with it head on.
But then, I justify my avoidance of what I know I must do by reminding myself that I have to constantly be in the same space with the person I have to confront or, rather just say what's really on my mind. And then, again, only I know how this person really is or can be........and I'll hear that it's only because of me why she gets like that... I will accept a small percentage of that responsibility..
Anyhow, regarding my post.... Its funny how I got a lot of "likes" for it because if people googled the post I'm sure my phone would be ringing nonstop.
After a conversation last night I made a decision to do something that has crossed my mind several times in the past and one that has been in my mind since last July that I think about every single day. All morning I've been planning and somewhat researching and I think I have it sorted out almost 70%. However, I'm here in the studio now listening to some of my unfinished work and ...wow.... The effect that music can have on you. Hearing the songs just brought a certain peace of mind and a level of comfort and contentment.. reflecting on the moments of creativity and the ability I'm blessed with to execute and bring forth/translate what's in my head into physical sound. It's just magical sometimes.
So now I'm faced with another decision - what the fuck do I do?
Putting it plainly, do I take my own life, confront my fear, run away, or stay and continue this cycle? The funny thing is I KNOW what's the right thing to do. I also know that it's not going to be an easy process. Can I live with myself knowing or feeling like I've hurt someone in a way that only I could? Or would it be best if I'm just not around for the peace of mind of that one person... Could she ever stand seeing me after? would she ever forgive me? would she ever be happy and content with her own life knowing I'm still living, enjoying life and possibly moved on to other relationships?
I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this now. I guess I'm in a position where I don't want to talk to anyone but I just need to get this out of me....and I'm still not even saying everything.
I only have 6 "followers" here so the chances of anyone reading this is also minute but at least I would have let it out of me.
So, I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do. Life's a mystery isn't it? You just never know.....
I wrote a song some years ago..maybe 2006... a line goes:
"18 years old and in love, it feels like heaven, yeah...
but one day we both grew up, and it don't feel like heaven anymore"
I often sing parts of the song in my head, I like it... planned to record it for an EP I'm thinking of releasing next year.. Lets see if that happens.
It just amazes me how some people have the strength to deal with life's challenges and some don't, no matter how simple they may seem. Anyhow, thanks for reading I will leave you with the post from my FB page.. Love, Peace & Happiness.
"The degree to which physical pain and psychological distress can be tolerated is different in all humans. Quality of life judgments are private and personal, thus only the sufferer can make relevant decisions. " - Derek Humphry
But then, I justify my avoidance of what I know I must do by reminding myself that I have to constantly be in the same space with the person I have to confront or, rather just say what's really on my mind. And then, again, only I know how this person really is or can be........and I'll hear that it's only because of me why she gets like that... I will accept a small percentage of that responsibility..
Anyhow, regarding my post.... Its funny how I got a lot of "likes" for it because if people googled the post I'm sure my phone would be ringing nonstop.
After a conversation last night I made a decision to do something that has crossed my mind several times in the past and one that has been in my mind since last July that I think about every single day. All morning I've been planning and somewhat researching and I think I have it sorted out almost 70%. However, I'm here in the studio now listening to some of my unfinished work and ...wow.... The effect that music can have on you. Hearing the songs just brought a certain peace of mind and a level of comfort and contentment.. reflecting on the moments of creativity and the ability I'm blessed with to execute and bring forth/translate what's in my head into physical sound. It's just magical sometimes.
So now I'm faced with another decision - what the fuck do I do?
Putting it plainly, do I take my own life, confront my fear, run away, or stay and continue this cycle? The funny thing is I KNOW what's the right thing to do. I also know that it's not going to be an easy process. Can I live with myself knowing or feeling like I've hurt someone in a way that only I could? Or would it be best if I'm just not around for the peace of mind of that one person... Could she ever stand seeing me after? would she ever forgive me? would she ever be happy and content with her own life knowing I'm still living, enjoying life and possibly moved on to other relationships?
I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this now. I guess I'm in a position where I don't want to talk to anyone but I just need to get this out of me....and I'm still not even saying everything.
I only have 6 "followers" here so the chances of anyone reading this is also minute but at least I would have let it out of me.
So, I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do. Life's a mystery isn't it? You just never know.....
I wrote a song some years ago..maybe 2006... a line goes:
"18 years old and in love, it feels like heaven, yeah...
but one day we both grew up, and it don't feel like heaven anymore"
I often sing parts of the song in my head, I like it... planned to record it for an EP I'm thinking of releasing next year.. Lets see if that happens.
It just amazes me how some people have the strength to deal with life's challenges and some don't, no matter how simple they may seem. Anyhow, thanks for reading I will leave you with the post from my FB page.. Love, Peace & Happiness.
"The degree to which physical pain and psychological distress can be tolerated is different in all humans. Quality of life judgments are private and personal, thus only the sufferer can make relevant decisions. " - Derek Humphry
You know Robert, I did'nt see this post until a few months ago, and my heart went out to you. I believe I am good at reading between lines, and there were so many questions I would have loved to ask, sat and had a chat, been there for you and most of all listened. Of course, none of what you spoke about was any of my business and I just hope that there was someone there for you at the time.
ReplyDeleteChecking through your blogs (as I do from time to time) I just realised it is exactly 1 year ago that you wrote this. I hope that 12 months on, you are in a better place, and are able to look back, having learned, and look forward, to a brighter day. Blessings as always.
Hey Chris, tell you what...Maybe we could have that chat some day. And in reference to what is "none of your business", ..put it this way, Its posted in a blog on the internet for all to see. I would be nuts to say that to someone after they have commented on any of my posts.
ReplyDeleteIts been a rough ride, still not where I'd love to be, mentally and otherwise. But learning each day how to be in that place. ....not sure what else to say...
Nothing more TO be said, I hear 'ya :-) .....gonna hold you to that chat ;-) .....looking forward to a brighter day !
ReplyDelete